Failure?

how many times do you have to fail before you think enough is enough? before you take a step back and look at yourself and think." am i really meant for this?". How many more failures can you take before you give up? before it becomes meaningless? Before you can't even remember why you want to be there and try in the first place. That is a lot of befores and a lot of failures. But wouldn't stopping pre-failure hurt less than the time after failure? somehow the old "well i tried" doesn't exactly bring much comfort.

Every time i fail it takes a little more out of me...a person who isn't used to failing...isn't used to being in the bottom 6% rather than the top. Every day there is a little more failure and a little less reason to get up in the morning. Sometimes i think i can't sleep at night because i don't want to get up the next morning, that sleeping through the day is more preferable than facing it. Dreams are happier places sometimes when reality becomes a nightmare. This IS my nightmare. i am failing. i feel alone. i feel like sleeping through the day beacuse i can't find anything worthwhile to get up for.

i could leave. but wouldn't that be another failure? not only a failure but a quitter. i can stick it out...but i can't take 5 more years of this. i want to be back where i feel like i'm myself. i'm not myself here. the people aren't the same. it doesn't work. i'm self conscious i can't say or do certain things even with my new "close" friends. that's not how i want to be. not how i should be. if i could let myself cry over immaterial things like this i wouldn't stop crying for days. if i was a cutter i would be in hospital for blood loss, if i had an ED i would have starved myself into a critical condition, if i was an attention whore i would have told people this, if i was me i could have told someone...but i couldn't even bare to tell my boyfriend i had failed another exam. i couldn't do it. i still can't. it's like admitting that the dream you always thought would happen is just that little bit out of your reach with a sign hanging from it saying "sorry love, you're just not good enough". that is my biggest fear. not being good enough. i have worked all my life to please. the best in everything i did. EVERYTHING. and yet when i'm here no one sees any of it. none of the things i can do. they don't see of know me. but then again..i don't see or know them either.

With Love
Me
xXx